Today was a good day. I had some family visiting from out of town and we had a wonderful lunch together. The reminiscing that I did with my aunt, uncle, cousin and her husband was great. I was also proud because they got to meet my family: my wife and 3 kids. We talked, we laughed and we had such a good time that 3 hours flew by, just like that.
Later in the day when we got home my wife went onto Facebook and check our stuff like she usually does. My cousin had already updated her profile for today saying, "had a great time with (my) cousin and his family for lunch this afternoon...they have the best behaved kids I have ever met...if anything was going to convince me to have kids it would be his!" I have to admit, this was a nice compliment for us to receive and my wife even remarked, "That made my week." I had to agree, that compliment made me proud.
I love my kids! I really do. Yeah of course I have many moments when I lose my cool, say stupid things that I later regret and don't always pick my battles wisely but I believe I have been able to give them something that I never had nor felt in my childhood... a father who loves them very much.
Even though I get angry, lose my cool, make stupid mistakes among other things, I know my kids love me. For the past few weeks our eldest son has asked me while lying in bed with him, "Dad, how much do you love me? Do you love me this much?" He says this over and over several times while widening the gap between his hands and each time my response is, "More than that." Actually I love my son more than I think he will ever know. Every night now he poses this question to me and although it has become somewhat comical and funny, I know my son knows that I love him very much. And for him at this point of his life i.e. pubescence, he probably needs to know that even more.
Which brings me to our second eldest child, my other son or as my wife and I call him, my mini me. Although on the outside it may seem like this child has limitless supplies of energy, he is actually one of the sweetest and sensitive people I know. Like his older brother I make many mistakes with him. Because he is so like me I can either have compassion for him or frustration with him. But at the end of the day, after I have read to him and put him to bed and he says, "daddy aren't you going to lie with me." Once I have laid down, hopefully not on his chihuahua that hibernates under his covers at night, he leans over and gives me a kiss and says "I love you dad." This is one of the highlights of my day.
Then there is our daughter, my precious little angel, my princess. The other day she tells me, "When I grow up daddy, I'm going to marry you." I thank her but tell her daddies don't marry their daughters. She asked why and I tell her it is against the law. I follow that up with "besides, I'm already married to your mother" and she replies "well you can be married to us both." Tonight I was taking her oldest brother to a friend's house because they are away and he is looking after their farm animals. While we waited in the van for him I asked her if she would like me to play her favorite song. She immediately got a huge smile on her face as I played Steven Curtis Chapman's Cinderella. This is a song she likes to play so we can ballroom dance in our living room together on occasion. For the past several days my daughter has asked me, "Daddy, which song on this disk do you like most." The CD is a compilation of many Christian artists from 2009. It was only tonight that it struck me what she was really asking me which was "do you love me daddy?" So I look in my rear view mirror and I tell my little angel, "this song is my favorite." Then she asks, "why do you like this song daddy?" I reply, "because it reminds me of you." The smile on her face then widens. She then tells me, "You know what daddy. When I was at school (we or should I say my wife are now homeschooling all of our children) and I was feeling lonely or afraid do you know what. I would sing this song because it always makes me think of you and mom. I love you daddy." There is something about the way this little girl of mine says daddy that melts my heart.
So I go home, we do our nighttime routine and finally I get some alone time with my wife. We recall events of the day and are sitting there talking and watching TV and then my wife asks me the question that is always painful for me to answer. "Wouldn't you like to have another kid, just one more?" Why is this a painful question for me to answer? you may ask. Well it's painful for many reasons. The biggest reason it's painful is because it reminds me of how truly selfish an individual I really am. You see, my wife and I when dating and even when planning to get married always talked about having a big family, at least 4 or 6 kids. Things changed for me somewhere along the way though. After we had our 2 boys I told my wife, "I don't really want to have any more kids." Needless to say this was a shock to her. Months passed and she asked me again, "Are you sure you don't want another one, just one more?" I still felt the same way though. 2 years passed and although my wife still wanted children, she began to think we would not have anymore. And then one day I approach her and tell her, "I think we should have one more." Well this rocked her world because as I said, she was resigned to the fact that I didn't want another one.
You know, I'm sitting here reading the paragraph that I just wrote and I'm thinking to myself, "You are one selfish bastard!" Why have things always been what I want, why have I done what I thought was right? Who am I to make decisions that impact both my wife's and my life? What a jerk I am, for putting my wife through hell, for taking away from her the one thing God has laid upon her heart. For not even consoling her when she miscarried while we were trying to have our third. Trust me I could go on for some time about how I have continually let my wife down and caused her great pain. And yet... Regrets, I have many but some things I can't change. Especially my most selfish act, that of having a vasectomy even though I knew my wife still longed for more children. I would rationalize this by saying "we can't afford more kids, we'd be taking away from the ones we have." I did think at the time and sometimes still do that I feel stretched enough as it is emotionally and loving my wife and 3 kids I thought I wouldn't have enough love for one more. Those are all lame excuses because what matters most in all of this is that I can no longer give my wife what she longs for most, more children. I tell her if I could do it over again I wouldn't do it seeing the impact it has had on her. But the damage is done and I have to live with the consequences to my selfish and immature actions.
You know what though, God has truly blessed me with an amazing wife because no matter how much I screw up, how many times I lose my cool with the kids, how many times I hurt her with my words and/or actions she still loves me! Can you believe it?!?! There are days when I think man am I ever stupid. To be so selfish to the one woman who is so selfless. Yet here I am. Writing this blog at 12:55 am because I feel so bad about how I've hurt her so many times in the past yet I know she loves me. And as you can see I'm not always the easiest to love. I still have a lot to learn about a great many things. And it's wonderful that my children love me as much as they do but it is my wife's selfless love that impacts me the most. I truly am a blessed man all because... She loves me!
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
Proverbs 31:10-12
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I'm Surrounded By IDIOTS!!!!
idi·ot (id′ē ət) - (1) a retarded person mentally equal or inferior to a child two years old;
(2) a very foolish or stupid person. Synonyms - simpleton, nincompoop, booby, fool.
Wow! My very first blog. I had always thought my first blog would be something exciting, something catchy. Maybe I would come up with some amusing story about my life, my family, etc. Something people could get a laugh about. Maybe I could talk about how much I love my wife or how cool I think my kids are. It would also be fun to just talk about the amusing parts of my day because believe me when I say my life is anything but boring. There is always something to share.
So it surprises me that in my first blog ever I'm talking about idiots. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not referring to people who cut me off in traffic although in my mind I might call them "idiot" with some sort of adjective in there somewhere. Nor am I referring to people who make mistakes that average people might think stupid i.e. like the guy who believes his wife when she says "Let's not get each other anything for Christmas this year." Unfortunately I have been this kind of idiot at least once in my 14 years of marriage.
No I am referring to people in my life who are just plain stupid. So who in my life fits that description one might ask? Well, I would say there are not many, BUT the idiots I am referring to come from the same place. It may surprise people to discover these idiots have jobs in the field of education. Not only do they work in a school, these people have a direct impact on our (my and the Mrs') children. Thinking about it now, that might just make me an idiot except for I rationalize it by saying I believed these people would be different somehow, a cut above the rest. Apparently not only is that too much to ask but it is also a very highly unrealistic expectation.
So let me explain myself a little more. We have 3 wonderful children who in turn have 3 wonderful personalities. All of our children have had some challenges when it has come to gaining an education. All of our children had some speech problems as they all had asthma at a young age and because they all used a nebulizer they never learned how to close their mouths properly. Our eldest child had 2 life threatening allergies when he first started school. Thankfully he has outgrown one allergy although the one he has now is the most severe. To make a very long story short, I should have known from my experience with his school advocating for this son that I was dealing with idiots, ignorant ones at that. As I said before, who's the idiot here? One of the smartest things my wife and I did recently was decide to home school our eldest (easy decision for me as I'm not the one home doing it. My son may thank me later for that). Seriously though, school just became a place where he no longer felt safe and we were disappointed with what we had hoped would be a supportive environment... his school. Again, apparently too high an expectation.
Now we come to our second child. A wonderful being full of life, sweet, caring, sensitive and would win your heart over in a second. Over the last few years we discovered this child of ours had some major strengths and did not learn the way others typically do. Here's where the idiocy begins although actually it began when we enrolled our first child at this school. So it is suggested to my wife and I we should have this child of ours assessed by an occupational therapist. My wife and I agree as we can see this child of ours has some difficulties. Once we agree to this, the person at the school in charge of helping children deal with these sort of issues and the same person who suggested our child be assessed, glibly informs us that 3 years ago while this child was in kindergarten his speech therapist made mention our child should be assessed. This was unknown to us until then. My wife and I were surprised at this revelation to say the least and we both thought if this had been suggested then why did it take 3 years to get to the point where the school decided to do anything about it. IDIOCY! Then our child was assessed. The assessment was detailed, thorough and the occupational therapist made several suggestions that would assist this child of ours in learning. These suggestions were not only concrete but rather specific, some of them rather simple in fact (not simple in the sense of the idiots I'm referring to in this blog). We were also informed by the occupational therapist she needed to come back to complete her assessment for our child. Thinking this wouldn't be a big deal we waited for her return. On a weekly basis either my wife or myself would ask the person from the school who organized the assessment when the OT was coming back. Each time we asked the response was something like "we don't know yet but it will be soon." Eventually we got to the end of the school year and asked the question once more only to be told she wouldn't be coming back at all this year, some sort of logistical problem or funding issue... IDIOCY!!
Did I mention my wife and I are educated people. We are also quite reasonable. At this point we decided to contact the OT to see what we should be doing for our child. The OT suggested we might want to pursue a more thorough assessment for this child, one that might enable us to get some more resources to aid in our child's learning. Thinking to ourselves this wasn't a big deal, schools pay for assessments all the time, we approached the school asking them to arrange this assessment. We quickly discovered schools, at least our childrens' anyway, did not pursue the type of thorough testing we wanted because it was too costly and they could pay for a very cursory assessment that would be "good enough" for our child. In the end the school decided to contribute what they would normally pay for the cursory assessment towards the assessment we were pursuing, their contribution a mere fraction of the total cost. In the end we went ahead with the assessment and were able to have it happen sooner rather than later because of the wonderful OT (not idiocy but kindness, professionalism, above and beyond the call of duty).
That brings us to the present. In September we have the 50 plus page assessment that cost nearly $100 per page and discussed it with the person at the school responsible for putting supports in place for children so they can learn effectively. This person used the report to apply for some funding which the school got. Apparently thinking this funding would be used for our child's learning is too much to ask. IDIOCY!!! Not only that but seeing as it is now January and the school has only just called it's first meeting to discuss our child's learning plan (IDIOCY!!!!) my wife and I were led to believe the OT we were wanting to complete her assessment on our child would no longer come to the school for various reasons... so we were told. And then last night something interesting happened. Over the holidays my lovely wife, the selfless mother of our children, always thinking about their well being phoned and left a message for the OT. She had also emailed the OT and last night we got an email back from her. Let's just say her version of what she was willing and not willing to do compared to the school's were worlds apart
THAT'S when the FIT HIT THE SHAN!!!! (no offense or resemblance Shan aka Mrs. Half-Soiled Boots) When I woke up this morning I was literally vibrating. I also got little sleep the night before because we had our child's chihuahua de-balled so he could be a nicer dog and stop humping our Shizthu all over (which for those of you interested is a normal behavior of dogs trying to show dominance over other dogs, things. I was just thankful it was not my leg or anything else). Needless to say it was a very long night of whimpers and cries. I think if that was me my wife would say something like, "Wah! Suck it up buttercup. You can complain of pain when you push a watermelon out your penis!" Ya gotta love women! Anyway, how did I get to talking about dicks, oh yeah, right... the school. As I was saying, I woke up this morning thinking I needed a day to calm down before I dealt with the school about this issue. Well I ended up going to school later in the day shortly after lunch as one of our children slipped and fell thereby needing dry clothes to be brought to school. So I ended up bringing the clothes to school and saw the two idio... people I wanted to speak to in the administration office.
WHEW!!!! What a long first blog. To tell you the truth I thought I wouldn't have this much to say and I have been trying to be brief! Well in the end I let both of these people know how disappointed, frustrated, and angry we are with what has been happening with all of this and requested the school use the funding they received so our child could finish the assessment with the OT. I didn't really get an answer, just a "we'll talk about it." It has been brought to my attention the school may not have to do this... who's the idiot now!
MENTAL NOTE: Never assume anything. Never expect the people you trust with educating your children are all actually smart because it has been my experience there are some idiots lurking about posing as competent professionals!
(2) a very foolish or stupid person. Synonyms - simpleton, nincompoop, booby, fool.
Wow! My very first blog. I had always thought my first blog would be something exciting, something catchy. Maybe I would come up with some amusing story about my life, my family, etc. Something people could get a laugh about. Maybe I could talk about how much I love my wife or how cool I think my kids are. It would also be fun to just talk about the amusing parts of my day because believe me when I say my life is anything but boring. There is always something to share.
So it surprises me that in my first blog ever I'm talking about idiots. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not referring to people who cut me off in traffic although in my mind I might call them "idiot" with some sort of adjective in there somewhere. Nor am I referring to people who make mistakes that average people might think stupid i.e. like the guy who believes his wife when she says "Let's not get each other anything for Christmas this year." Unfortunately I have been this kind of idiot at least once in my 14 years of marriage.
No I am referring to people in my life who are just plain stupid. So who in my life fits that description one might ask? Well, I would say there are not many, BUT the idiots I am referring to come from the same place. It may surprise people to discover these idiots have jobs in the field of education. Not only do they work in a school, these people have a direct impact on our (my and the Mrs') children. Thinking about it now, that might just make me an idiot except for I rationalize it by saying I believed these people would be different somehow, a cut above the rest. Apparently not only is that too much to ask but it is also a very highly unrealistic expectation.
So let me explain myself a little more. We have 3 wonderful children who in turn have 3 wonderful personalities. All of our children have had some challenges when it has come to gaining an education. All of our children had some speech problems as they all had asthma at a young age and because they all used a nebulizer they never learned how to close their mouths properly. Our eldest child had 2 life threatening allergies when he first started school. Thankfully he has outgrown one allergy although the one he has now is the most severe. To make a very long story short, I should have known from my experience with his school advocating for this son that I was dealing with idiots, ignorant ones at that. As I said before, who's the idiot here? One of the smartest things my wife and I did recently was decide to home school our eldest (easy decision for me as I'm not the one home doing it. My son may thank me later for that). Seriously though, school just became a place where he no longer felt safe and we were disappointed with what we had hoped would be a supportive environment... his school. Again, apparently too high an expectation.
Now we come to our second child. A wonderful being full of life, sweet, caring, sensitive and would win your heart over in a second. Over the last few years we discovered this child of ours had some major strengths and did not learn the way others typically do. Here's where the idiocy begins although actually it began when we enrolled our first child at this school. So it is suggested to my wife and I we should have this child of ours assessed by an occupational therapist. My wife and I agree as we can see this child of ours has some difficulties. Once we agree to this, the person at the school in charge of helping children deal with these sort of issues and the same person who suggested our child be assessed, glibly informs us that 3 years ago while this child was in kindergarten his speech therapist made mention our child should be assessed. This was unknown to us until then. My wife and I were surprised at this revelation to say the least and we both thought if this had been suggested then why did it take 3 years to get to the point where the school decided to do anything about it. IDIOCY! Then our child was assessed. The assessment was detailed, thorough and the occupational therapist made several suggestions that would assist this child of ours in learning. These suggestions were not only concrete but rather specific, some of them rather simple in fact (not simple in the sense of the idiots I'm referring to in this blog). We were also informed by the occupational therapist she needed to come back to complete her assessment for our child. Thinking this wouldn't be a big deal we waited for her return. On a weekly basis either my wife or myself would ask the person from the school who organized the assessment when the OT was coming back. Each time we asked the response was something like "we don't know yet but it will be soon." Eventually we got to the end of the school year and asked the question once more only to be told she wouldn't be coming back at all this year, some sort of logistical problem or funding issue... IDIOCY!!
Did I mention my wife and I are educated people. We are also quite reasonable. At this point we decided to contact the OT to see what we should be doing for our child. The OT suggested we might want to pursue a more thorough assessment for this child, one that might enable us to get some more resources to aid in our child's learning. Thinking to ourselves this wasn't a big deal, schools pay for assessments all the time, we approached the school asking them to arrange this assessment. We quickly discovered schools, at least our childrens' anyway, did not pursue the type of thorough testing we wanted because it was too costly and they could pay for a very cursory assessment that would be "good enough" for our child. In the end the school decided to contribute what they would normally pay for the cursory assessment towards the assessment we were pursuing, their contribution a mere fraction of the total cost. In the end we went ahead with the assessment and were able to have it happen sooner rather than later because of the wonderful OT (not idiocy but kindness, professionalism, above and beyond the call of duty).
That brings us to the present. In September we have the 50 plus page assessment that cost nearly $100 per page and discussed it with the person at the school responsible for putting supports in place for children so they can learn effectively. This person used the report to apply for some funding which the school got. Apparently thinking this funding would be used for our child's learning is too much to ask. IDIOCY!!! Not only that but seeing as it is now January and the school has only just called it's first meeting to discuss our child's learning plan (IDIOCY!!!!) my wife and I were led to believe the OT we were wanting to complete her assessment on our child would no longer come to the school for various reasons... so we were told. And then last night something interesting happened. Over the holidays my lovely wife, the selfless mother of our children, always thinking about their well being phoned and left a message for the OT. She had also emailed the OT and last night we got an email back from her. Let's just say her version of what she was willing and not willing to do compared to the school's were worlds apart
THAT'S when the FIT HIT THE SHAN!!!! (no offense or resemblance Shan aka Mrs. Half-Soiled Boots) When I woke up this morning I was literally vibrating. I also got little sleep the night before because we had our child's chihuahua de-balled so he could be a nicer dog and stop humping our Shizthu all over (which for those of you interested is a normal behavior of dogs trying to show dominance over other dogs, things. I was just thankful it was not my leg or anything else). Needless to say it was a very long night of whimpers and cries. I think if that was me my wife would say something like, "Wah! Suck it up buttercup. You can complain of pain when you push a watermelon out your penis!" Ya gotta love women! Anyway, how did I get to talking about dicks, oh yeah, right... the school. As I was saying, I woke up this morning thinking I needed a day to calm down before I dealt with the school about this issue. Well I ended up going to school later in the day shortly after lunch as one of our children slipped and fell thereby needing dry clothes to be brought to school. So I ended up bringing the clothes to school and saw the two idio... people I wanted to speak to in the administration office.
WHEW!!!! What a long first blog. To tell you the truth I thought I wouldn't have this much to say and I have been trying to be brief! Well in the end I let both of these people know how disappointed, frustrated, and angry we are with what has been happening with all of this and requested the school use the funding they received so our child could finish the assessment with the OT. I didn't really get an answer, just a "we'll talk about it." It has been brought to my attention the school may not have to do this... who's the idiot now!
MENTAL NOTE: Never assume anything. Never expect the people you trust with educating your children are all actually smart because it has been my experience there are some idiots lurking about posing as competent professionals!
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