She Loves Me...

Today was a good day. I had some family visiting from out of town and we had a wonderful lunch together. The reminiscing that I did with my aunt, uncle, cousin and her husband was great. I was also proud because they got to meet my family: my wife and 3 kids. We talked, we laughed and we had such a good time that 3 hours flew by, just like that.

Later in the day when we got home my wife went onto Facebook and check our stuff like she usually does. My cousin had already updated her profile for today saying, "had a great time with (my) cousin and his family for lunch this afternoon...they have the best behaved kids I have ever met...if anything was going to convince me to have kids it would be his!" I have to admit, this was a nice compliment for us to receive and my wife even remarked, "That made my week." I had to agree, that compliment made me proud.

I love my kids! I really do. Yeah of course I have many moments when I lose my cool, say stupid things that I later regret and don't always pick my battles wisely but I believe I have been able to give them something that I never had nor felt in my childhood... a father who loves them very much.

Even though I get angry, lose my cool, make stupid mistakes among other things, I know my kids love me. For the past few weeks our eldest son has asked me while lying in bed with him, "Dad, how much do you love me? Do you love me this much?" He says this over and over several times while widening the gap between his hands and each time my response is, "More than that." Actually I love my son more than I think he will ever know. Every night now he poses this question to me and although it has become somewhat comical and funny, I know my son knows that I love him very much. And for him at this point of his life i.e. pubescence, he probably needs to know that even more.

Which brings me to our second eldest child, my other son or as my wife and I call him, my mini me. Although on the outside it may seem like this child has limitless supplies of energy, he is actually one of the sweetest and sensitive people I know. Like his older brother I make many mistakes with him. Because he is so like me I can either have compassion for him or frustration with him. But at the end of the day, after I have read to him and put him to bed and he says, "daddy aren't you going to lie with me." Once I have laid down, hopefully not on his chihuahua that hibernates under his covers at night, he leans over and gives me a kiss and says "I love you dad." This is one of the highlights of my day.

Then there is our daughter, my precious little angel, my princess. The other day she tells me, "When I grow up daddy, I'm going to marry you." I thank her but tell her daddies don't marry their daughters. She asked why and I tell her it is against the law. I follow that up with "besides, I'm already married to your mother" and she replies "well you can be married to us both." Tonight I was taking her oldest brother to a friend's house because they are away and he is looking after their farm animals. While we waited in the van for him I asked her if she would like me to play her favorite song. She immediately got a huge smile on her face as I played Steven Curtis Chapman's Cinderella. This is a song she likes to play so we can ballroom dance in our living room together on occasion. For the past several days my daughter has asked me, "Daddy, which song on this disk do you like most." The CD is a compilation of many Christian artists from 2009. It was only tonight that it struck me what she was really asking me which was "do you love me daddy?" So I look in my rear view mirror and I tell my little angel, "this song is my favorite." Then she asks, "why do you like this song daddy?" I reply, "because it reminds me of you." The smile on her face then widens. She then tells me, "You know what daddy. When I was at school (we or should I say my wife are now homeschooling all of our children) and I was feeling lonely or afraid do you know what. I would sing this song because it always makes me think of you and mom. I love you daddy." There is something about the way this little girl of mine says daddy that melts my heart.

So I go home, we do our nighttime routine and finally I get some alone time with my wife. We recall events of the day and are sitting there talking and watching TV and then my wife asks me the question that is always painful for me to answer. "Wouldn't you like to have another kid, just one more?" Why is this a painful question for me to answer? you may ask. Well it's painful for many reasons. The biggest reason it's painful is because it reminds me of how truly selfish an individual I really am. You see, my wife and I when dating and even when planning to get married always talked about having a big family, at least 4 or 6 kids. Things changed for me somewhere along the way though. After we had our 2 boys I told my wife, "I don't really want to have any more kids." Needless to say this was a shock to her. Months passed and she asked me again, "Are you sure you don't want another one, just one more?" I still felt the same way though. 2 years passed and although my wife still wanted children, she began to think we would not have anymore. And then one day I approach her and tell her, "I think we should have one more." Well this rocked her world because as I said, she was resigned to the fact that I didn't want another one.

You know, I'm sitting here reading the paragraph that I just wrote and I'm thinking to myself, "You are one selfish bastard!" Why have things always been what I want, why have I done what I thought was right? Who am I to make decisions that impact both my wife's and my life? What a jerk I am, for putting my wife through hell, for taking away from her the one thing God has laid upon her heart. For not even consoling her when she miscarried while we were trying to have our third. Trust me I could go on for some time about how I have continually let my wife down and caused her great pain. And yet... Regrets, I have many but some things I can't change. Especially my most selfish act, that of having a vasectomy even though I knew my wife still longed for more children. I would rationalize this by saying "we can't afford more kids, we'd be taking away from the ones we have." I did think at the time and sometimes still do that I feel stretched enough as it is emotionally and loving my wife and 3 kids I thought I wouldn't have enough love for one more. Those are all lame excuses because what matters most in all of this is that I can no longer give my wife what she longs for most, more children. I tell her if I could do it over again I wouldn't do it seeing the impact it has had on her. But the damage is done and I have to live with the consequences to my selfish and immature actions.

You know what though, God has truly blessed me with an amazing wife because no matter how much I screw up, how many times I lose my cool with the kids, how many times I hurt her with my words and/or actions she still loves me! Can you believe it?!?! There are days when I think man am I ever stupid. To be so selfish to the one woman who is so selfless. Yet here I am. Writing this blog at 12:55 am because I feel so bad about how I've hurt her so many times in the past yet I know she loves me. And as you can see I'm not always the easiest to love. I still have a lot to learn about a great many things. And it's wonderful that my children love me as much as they do but it is my wife's selfless love that impacts me the most. I truly am a blessed man all because... She loves me!

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:10-12